There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
