There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
