You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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