uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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