His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
