Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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