in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
