He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
