Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize