I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
