today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
