I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
