so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
