Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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