i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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