Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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