My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
