paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
high people should be assigned attendants
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
