My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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