I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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