Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
