and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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