He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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