hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
