My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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