guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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