good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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