I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize