Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
