she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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