Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
