he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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