Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize