I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize