I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
