I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
