Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
