Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
