I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I enjoy the company of your penis
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize