weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
