I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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