I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
