i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
