Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
