My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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