So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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