A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
