I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize