Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
