the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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