so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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