he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
