I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
