my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
