i always forget guys have bellybuttons
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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