Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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