Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
