You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
