I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
