threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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