my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
