i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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