You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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