i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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