Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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