good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have fence marks all over my body
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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